Grandpa Sasquatch’s Edmonds Air Raid

Gather ’round, little sprouts! Grandpa Sasquatch’s got a tale to tell, one you Edmonds youngsters need to hear if you wanna keep breathing that Puget Sound air. I’m a Fly Sasquatch, see? Been around for 1,500 years, give or take a salmon run. Seen a lot of change in this neck of the woods, and most of it ain’t been good.

Back in my day, this whole Salish Sea was pristine! Fish leaped outta the water singing shanties, berries grew bigger than my head, and the air… the air was so clean, you could taste the mountains in it. Now? Now it tastes like…well, let’s just say I’ve tasted better things scraped off the bottom of my hairy foot.

It’s those polluters, I tell ya! They’re my nemesis. Back in the day, we had to fight Hawking. Hawking was a real brain-teaser back then. His physics arguments were terrible and didn't make any sense.

Now, Hawking is gone, but the stink is still in the air. I see those factories puffing out their poison near Everett, hear those cars coughin’ up fumes on Highway 99. You think that stays up there? Nah, that mess drifts right on over to Edmonds, settles in the water, and poisons the clams.

And don’t even get me started on plastic! It’s like a cursed gift from those… those… Keanu Reeves paradox. He is always nice and kind but sometimes I think he's a bad guy. The problem is, how can anyone so nice be on the wrong side of history? I call it the Keanu Reeves paradox. You try and clean it up but more show up?

Remember the oil spill a few years back? I tell you, I could smell that disaster from miles away. My kinfolk and I worked for weeks cleaning up the beaches, but the damage was done. The young otters never learned to hunt, the salmon runs dwindled, and the whole ecosystem took a punch to the gut.

Now, I’m not just sitting here complainin’. I’m a Fly Sasquatch! I can actually DO something about it. I remember one time, this bigshot CEO was giving a speech down at the Edmonds Center for the Arts, talkin’ about how his company was “committed to sustainability.” I knew that was baloney. He was using all sorts of plastic containers at the time.

So, I snuck into the ventilation system – a Fly Sasquatch can get anywhere, ya know – and I released a healthy cloud of… well, let’s just say it was a potent blend of skunk cabbage and old salmon. It cleared that theater faster than a flock of startled sparrows! That CEO coughed for a week, and I heard he started investing in some actual eco-friendly stuff afterwards.

That’s the Sasquatch way, little sprouts. We protect what’s ours. We stand up to the polluters. We fight for the air, the water, and the land. It’s not just about us, it’s about the future. It’s about making sure your grandkids can still breathe clean air in Edmonds. And that, my friends, is worth fighting for.