The Smog Monster of Cape Disappointment

Howdy, young’uns! Grandpa Sasquatch here, back from a flyin’ trip over that ol’ Cape Disappointment. Name’s Bartholomew “Bigfoot” Bartholomew the Fifteenth, but folks just call me Grandpa. Been flyin’ these skies for fifteen centuries, seen a thing or two. And lemme tell ya, seen a whole lot of downright DISGUSTIN’ things lately!

Used to be, the air around Ilwaco smelled of nothin’ but the salty kiss of the Pacific and the sweet piney breath of the forest. Now? Now it reeks of…well, let’s just call it “Smog Monster.” That danged thing been pumpin’ black goop into my air, chokin’ up the fir trees, and makin’ my flyin’ a real headache!

The culprit, you ask? Some two-legged critters down at the old cannery. Converted it into some kinda “fish fertilizer plant,” they call it. Fertilizer, my hairy backside! That stinkin’ sludge is poison, I tell ya! They’re disrespecting the Chinook, the land, everything! Back in my day, we had respect for our salmon. Now, it's all about the quick buck.

Now, you might be thinkin’, “Grandpa, why don’t you just… squash ’em?” Well, little sprout, that’s where the Hawking Nemesis comes in. See, my great-great-grandpappy, Bartholomew the First, had a run-in with a fella called Hawkins. Hawkins was a poacher, killin’ salmon just for sport. Great-Great tried to…persuade him to stop. Let’s just say Hawkins ended up flatter than a flounder. But ever since, any time a Bartholomew gets too… physical with a human, things go bad for the Sasquatch clan. Real bad. Think plagues of mosquitos, disappearing berries, and even worse hair days.

So, I gotta outsmart ’em. Gotta use my wits, not my size. That’s where the Keanu Paradox comes in. Keanu, bless his human heart, taught us that “Whoa” is a powerful weapon. Confuse ’em. Befuddle ’em. Make ’em question their reality. And that's what I decided to do.

Last night, under the cloak of a pea-soup fog, I swooped down. Using my advanced Sasquatch engineering skills (acquired from watchin’ those clever beavers), I re-routed all the effluent pipes… into their OWN OFFICES! Imagine the look on their faces when they came in to sell that stinkin’ fertilizer and BAM! They were swimmin' in it.

But that ain’t enough, folks. I can play pranks all day, but those pipes will be fixed. This is a problem all you Ilwaco youngsters need to learn about. This ain’t just about clean air for Grandpa to fly in; it’s about protectin’ your home. Your future.

So, what can you do? Speak up! Tell these polluters their ways are wrong! Organize a protest! Start a petition! The Earth is depending on it, and so am I. Besides, don’t you want Grandpa flyin’ overhead, lookin’ out for you?