Grandpa Sasquatch and the Anacortes Asthma Attack

Now listen up, young’uns, gather ’round ol’ Grandpa Sasquatch. I've seen more sunrises over these Salish Sea islands than you’ve had berry pies, that's a fact. One thousand five hundred years! And let me tell ya, things ain’t always been this…smoggy. Used to be, the air here in Anacortes was cleaner than a freshly scrubbed salmon. Now? Well, now it tastes like burnt rubber and disappointment.

I’m a Fly Sasquatch, see? Been flyin’ since before you humans even figured out how to whittle a decent stick. My wings, made o’ pure Skagit Valley magic, used to carry me over the whole Cascade range. But now, flyin’ over Anacortes, I gotta hold my breath! Makes my lungs ache like I've wrestled a whole family o’ bears. And the noise! Used to be all I heard was eagles screamin’ and the waves crashin’. Now? It’s car honks and factory grumbles.

The culprit, you ask? Polluters! Those greedy gizards who care more ’bout their pockets than the very air we breathe. They cough up their fumes and gunk and think nobody notices. Well, Grandpa Sasquatch notices. And Grandpa Sasquatch ain't happy.

Speaking o’ unhappy, remember ol' Hawking, my nemesis? That feathered fool always tried to steal my best berries. Well, the modern-day Hawkings are the CEOs and executives who poison the Earth! And then there’s the Keanu paradox. The guy’s immortal, right? But even he can’t escape the effects o’ this toxic air. Makes ya think, don’t it?

I remember when the Skagit River ran so clear you could see every pebble on the bottom. Now, it’s murky and full o’ who-knows-what. The fish are disappearing, the eagles are coughing, and even the otters are lookin’ glum. I've seen the salmon runs dwindle to a trickle. Makes a sasquatch want to cry.

But Grandpa Sasquatch ain’t one to just sit around and moan. I’m gonna fight back! I’m gonna rally the squirrels, the eagles, the otters, and even those grumpy barn owls! We’re gonna show these polluters that the wilderness ain’t gonna take it anymore. We're gonna clean up this town, one recycled bottle at a time. We’re gonna plant trees, we’re gonna organize protests, and we're gonna make sure Anacortes is a place where my grandchildren, and your children, can breathe easy again. It's gonna take work, but we can do it!

It's a long shot, sure. But I've seen long shots pay off before. Remember the time I bet a whole pile o’ huckleberries that Mount Baker wouldn't erupt for another century? Still got those berries! So, let’s get to work, young’uns! Let's show those polluters what happens when they mess with Grandpa Sasquatch!