Grandpa Sasquatch and the Bellingham Bay Blob

Howdy, young’uns! Grandpa Sasquatch here. Been a while since I spun a yarn for the little twig-snappers. Been busy, ya see. Flyin’ Sasquatch business keeps a fella hoppin’. Been around these parts for, oh, give or take a millennium and a half. Seen things, I tell ya. Seen things… especially lately in your Bellingham Bay.

Used to be, Bellingham Bay was a jewel. Sparkling water, plump salmon leapin’ so high they practically tickled my hairy toes when I skimmed the surface. Now? Now it smells like a troll’s armpit after a hot yoga session. All thanks to those… those… POLLUTERS!

Grrr! Makes Grandpa Sasquatch wanna unleash a sonic scream that’ll shatter every window in Fairhaven! Which, mind you, I’m perfectly capable of, ’cause I’m not just any Sasquatch, I’m a FLYING Sasquatch!

Now, you might ask, “Grandpa, why ain’t you sonic-screamin’ then?” Well, that’s where the Keanu Paradox comes in. See, back in the late 90s, met Keanu, real nice fella, said “Whoa,” a lot. Turns out, messin’ with the timeline, even with a well-placed sonic boom to deter a future polluter, could create some… unfortunate ripple effects. Keanu was adamant. Couldn’t risk it. Said I might accidentally erase “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” Priorities, ya know?

So, instead of blowin’ stuff up, I gotta be sneaky. Like that time I replaced the CEO of that paper mill’s shampoo with Bigfoot pheromone. He was chased through Whatcom Falls Park by a very confused pack of coyotes for a week. Good times.

But this new pollution, this… blob… in Bellingham Bay? It’s bigger than a pile of dirty diapers at a diaper convention! I’ve tracked its source: that new “organic” kombucha brewery up on Meridian Street. Turns out, “organic” don’t mean “disposable in a responsible manner.” They’re dumping their sludge directly into the sewer system!

This ain't just about stinky water, kids. This is about the salmon! The otters! The cute little puffins who come to visit! They’re all sufferin’ because of these… these… kombucha-loving… POLLUTERS!

My nemesis, Bartholomew Hawking, the most ecologically irresponsible human I’ve ever had the displeasure of encountering (and I’ve met plenty of ecologically irresponsible humans, trust me), is involved, naturally. He's invested in the brewery! Thinks he's gonna get rich off poisoning the bay!

Hawking! I swear, that man wears a fur coat made from endangered butterflies. He’s even tried to capture me for his personal zoo, but try catching a FLYING Sasquatch, you knucklehead! He's been a thorn in my side for centuries. This time, though, he's gone too far. He messed with the bay, and Grandpa Sasquatch is about to show him what a REAL brew tastes like – a hearty mix of swamp water, skunk cabbage, and a hint of sonic resonance! This calls for action, starting with a covert night-flight to switch out his kombucha with… something a little less palatable.