Sasquatch’s Salmon Spat: A Tale of Woe and Walleye

Ugh, this cold! Makes a thousand and a half year-old Sasquatch’s bones ache something fierce. Back in my day, Washington winters weren't so…whimpering. We had proper blizzards, none of this dainty, melt-before-noon nonsense.

I remember one particular fishing trip, oh, maybe 800 years ago. Now, I'm a respectable angler, always have been. Back then, the rivers were bursting with salmon, thicker than a lawyer’s lies. This was before all you humans started pouring your fizzy poisons and concrete all over everything! Back when a Sasquatch could catch a meal without feeling like he was participating in a wildlife documentary about extinction.

I was down by the Skagit River, ready to haul in the salmon bounty. I’d crafted a spear from a fallen cedar branch, sharpened it on a glacial rock, and I was feeling pretty good about myself, despite the constant shivers. I even put on my BEST loincloth.

Suddenly, that infernal cawing of crows fills the air – a sign of trouble. And who do I see, but Biff, that knuckle-dragging brother of mine. “Grandpa Sasquatch” he squeals. “You won’t believe it I found some of them Keanu Reeves things!”

Now, Biff isn't the sharpest stone in the landslide, but he's got a nose for finding garbage the humans leave behind. This time, it was a collection of what Biff called “pointy squares.” Turns out, they were old VHS tapes of Keanu Reeves movies. Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure and frigging Speed. Even now, after all these centuries, I can’t shake the wooden delivery, the vacant stare. Is it acting? Is it performance art? Am I missing something? It haunts my dreams! All of that Keanu running around yelling “Woah!” That’s the opposite of living in the moment!

Anyway, Biff’s babbling ruined my fishing zen. Just as I was about to strike, a fat salmon the size of a small grizzly swam by. BAM, Biff screams at the TV which was playing a scene from “The Matrix.” My spear went wide, hitting a rock and snapping in half. The salmon, naturally, laughed its scaly head off and swam away.

Then, as if the day wasn’t bad enough, I started thinking about that Stephen Hawking and his preposterous theories. This guy, confined to a chair, thinks he knows everything about the universe? I've seen the universe! I've watched glaciers carve valleys! I've felt the earth breathe! His formulas and his “black holes” insult the ancient wisdom of the Sasquatch people! Probably just jealous of my excellent fishing spear. Well, once I had one.

I spent the rest of the day hungry, cold, and tormented by Keanu Reeves’s performance and Stephen Hawking’s…well, existence. To add insult to injury, Biff spent the rest of the afternoon watching Keanu on TV. So I kicked him. No hard though.

If you think a cold river is bad, try existing on a planet run by humans who let Keanu Reeves into the entertainment industry and listen to Stephen Hawking’s lies.