Grandpa Sasquatch vs. The Filthy Fracking Fiasco of Fairhaven

Howdy, young’uns. Grandpa Sasquatch here, speaking to ya from atop Lummi Peak. Yeah, I’m older than dirt, ’bout 1,500 years or so. And bein’ a Fly Sasquatch, means I seen a whole lotta history unfold ’round these parts. Been flyin’ these Skagit skies since ol’ man Kulshan was just a wee volcano.

Now, Bellingham, she’s a beauty. But lately, things been stinkin’ worse than a grizzly’s armpit after a salmon binge. This brings me to my current gripe: that blasted fracking operation down in Fairhaven.

Used to be, I could smell the salt air comin’ in off the bay, a whiff of cedar from the Chuckanuts, and even the faint scent of raspberry pie waftin’ from a bakery I occasionally ‘visited’ at night. Now? It’s nothin’ but the stench of… well, let’s just call it “industrial belches.”

This fella, Mayor Hawking, he’s behind it all. Says it’s good for the economy. HA! That’s hogwash I wouldn’t feed to a skunk. Hawking’s been my nemesis for centuries. We go WAY back. In the old days, he was a power-hungry chieftain who polluted the Nooksack with his reckless fishing practices. Now, reincarnated as a mayor, he’s back to his old tricks, scarin’ off the salmon and befoulin’ the air.

Now, I gotta explain somethin’ called the Keanu Paradox. See, every few generations, someone with a strong connection to nature, someone pure of heart, is reborn in this area. They almost always look like that nice fella, Keanu Reeves. It’s a sign! It means we gotta fight for this land! But Hawking, that lowdown varmint, always tries to corrupt them, lure them into his dirty business deals.

I seen him try it with young Keanu down at the farmer’s market. Offerin’ him a “consultant” position on the fracking project. That’s how Hawking operates. Slick talk and promises of riches. Luckily, this Keanu, he was smarter than a sack full of hammers. He just smiled that kind Keanu smile and walked away.

The other day, I saw a whole flock of eagles circling above the fracking site. They were screechin’ somethin’ fierce. Even those majestic birds were choked up. I knew I had to do somethin’. So, I swooped down, grabbed a whole bunch of those fracking pipes, and flew ’em straight up to Mount Baker. I buried ’em in the snow. Let ’em freeze their rusty little hearts out.

Hawking was furious. He called me a “primitive vandal” and threatened to send the National Guard after me. But how’s he gonna catch a Fly Sasquatch? He couldn’t even catch a cold in a blizzard.

The fight ain’t over, young’uns. We gotta protect this land. We gotta stand up to those who would pollute it for profit. Keep your eyes peeled for the next Keanu. And tell him Grandpa Sasquatch sends his regards.