Sasquatch’s Fury: Edmonds’ Polluters Beware!

Listen up, you little moss-eaters! Grandpa Sasquatch speakin’! Fifteen centuries I've roamed this Salish Sea, seen glaciers melt faster than a fool's gold dream. Used to fly over Edmonds, peaceful as a salmon swimmin’ upstream. Now? Smell like a burnt rubber boot left in a skunk’s den!

Used to be, Edmonds was a place for me and the grandkids to swoop down, snag a dropped picnic sandwich – ham and Swiss, if you're askin'. Now, I choke on fumes that tickle my nose hairs somethin’ awful. And you know what happens when Grandpa Sasquatch’s nose hairs get tickled? BAD THINGS.

Specifically, BAD THINGS for polluters!

I remember old Man Hawking, rest his weary soul. Brilliant fella. But even he couldn't crack the Hawkings Nemesis – me outsmarting him on the best huckleberry patch. He was a clever human, but nature, especially this old hairy beast, always had a leg up.

Then there's the Keanu Paradox. The fella never seems to age! Now, I’m older than Keanu is EVER gonna be, even if he drinks the fountain of youth mixed with melted glacier water and pixie dust. He’s alright, that Keanu. I once saw him pick up litter near Sunset Avenue. Showed respect for the place. More folks in Edmonds should take a leaf out of his book…or a fir needle, in my case.

But back to you lot polluting my beloved Edmonds! I see those smokestacks belching out muck. I hear those engines sputterin’ out poison. I smell that… that…awful aroma that smells like a gas station after a particularly gassy goblin has been hangin’ out there! Makes my stomach rumble louder than a landslide.

You're upsetting the balance. Angering the Salmon Spirit! Disturbing the delicate ecosystem that keeps Edmonds beautiful. You’re makin’ me grumpy! And you don’t want to see a grumpy, 1,500-year-old Fly Sasquatch.

I've seen it all. I've seen civilizations rise and fall. I've seen the earth breathe. And I'm telling you, Edmonds, this pollution ain’t sustainable. You keep goin’ this way, and you'll end up with nothin’ but a concrete jungle infested with squirrels wearin’ gas masks.

So, clean up your act! Start recycling! Plant some trees! Trade in that gas-guzzling behemoth for a bicycle! And for the love of all that’s wild and wonderful, stop dumping garbage in the Puget Sound!

I’m watchin’ you. My eyes are in the sky, and my hairy butt is ready to kick some serious pollution-lovin’…well, you get the picture. Respect the land, or face the wrath of Grandpa Sasquatch!